Wednesday, January 4, 2012

21 Posts You Probably Won't See

I was asked to write something for an industry newsletter, so it got me thinking about posting new stuff. Plus I had a wicked hot Vindaloo and couldn't sleep. Here are some posts I would enjoy writing, but probably shouldn't:

  1. How my retailer inspirations from when I started 7 years ago no longer run game stores. I wonder how many years they were in the business beyond 7 before exiting? Cautionary tales or natural progression? Who will take their place? Will anyone care?
  2. How our distributors give the thumbs up to brick and mortar retailers with one hand, while shipping large quantities of games to Amazon with their other. It's not hypocrisy, it's business.
  3. How some game stores use Amazon Prime as a supplier. Hey, it all comes from the same place, right? (as my grandfather would say when he mixed his peas and potatoes).
  4. Why Fantasy Flight Games is the new 500 pound gorilla in the game trade, but still, in many annoying ways, acts like a small company (because I don't know).
  5. Why my paperless office initiative failed, mostly because the paper was useless to begin with. A bucket for monsieur!
  6. My exit strategy from owning a game store (because I don't have one).
  7. My innovative new marketing plan for 2012 (see above).
  8. My deep fear that I'm running a model train shop. When you're the last man standing, you sometimes wonder if the other guys knew something you didn't.
  9. How the Games Workshop new emphasis on customer service training to boost flagging sales sounds a lot like the Best Buy emphasis on customer service training to boost flagging sales. I'll have to remember that one for when my sales are flagging. Also, they closed their Shanghai factory to cut costs. Do you know where they make their paint? This of course has lead to exciting new paint news. And who closes a factory in China to cut costs? Cambodians?
  10. How Wizards of the Coast's answer to customer service improvements was to dismantle the relationships with our knowledgeable sales rep and replace him with a 90's era helpdesk system for order placement. Check your PEBCAK.
  11. How if you need a focus group and surveys to understand what your customers want, you're doing it wrong (see above).
  12. How manufacturers don't want to be bothered with direct orders, unless it's Christmas. Lazy bastards. How if you're a manufacturer and an exclusive supplier of your product, you don't get to take December off (Battlefoam).
  13. The RPG "companies" that actually do this as their day job, and why you should care (Nah, you probably shouldn't).
  14. How one of my suppliers insists on signatures from corporate stockholders to improve our credit terms. Queue hillbilly music.
  15. How I no longer resent my greedy lawyer property managers because they're an island of consistency in my sea of retarded decision making.
  16. Why aren't there any ten dollar bills anymore? And thank you for killing $1 coins. Nobody wants those things, not even the bank. Sack-a-what?
  17. The Grandeur Paradox: I've gotten so big selling games, bah, why do I need to sell these games? The stupid things that happen to your brain when you own a store.
  18. The level of game center chair replacement and the rate of destruction by event (the whose ass is fattest post). We replace about 2-3 chairs a month. Naturally we would combine this post with the inflammatory "Why Weight Watchers Patrons Can't Park Straight."
  19. How large game stores are always looking to diversify away from the game trade due to the constant and pervasive levels of asshattery. Hobby, comics, toys and even coffee all sound more reasonable. The stupid, it burns.
  20. One of those charts showing how each group sees each other (publishers, distributors, retailers, customers). 
  21. How game stores are like massage parlors: the legitimate, the sketchy and the bad ones that feel like they should at least be sketchy if they're going to be bad.

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